Recovering from Codependency by Building Personal Boundaries

Recovering from codependency is possible, but it’s not always easy. We remain locked into codependent relationships for many reasons, even when we know how they are damaging us. Being so closely tangled up with another person who relies on us, and on whom we can rely, is like having dopamine on tap. We have quick access to a feel-good emotional drug, and that can be addictive.

The term “codependency” was first used in the context of Alcoholics Anonymous to describe addictive behavior and toxic dynamics surrounding substance use. Recovery from codependency certainly does feel similar to recovery from substance abuse sometimes. There are many aspects to recovering from codependency, but one that we can start on today is building up our boundaries.

Givers in codependent dynamics tend to lose themselves in the relationship. They spend so much time and energy prioritizing other’s preferences and happiness that they neglect their comfort and wellness. If this has been a pattern for decades, they may need to discover their needs and wants for the first time.

Boundaries are not simply about saying “no” to others, but they are about constructing a safe place that is about prioritizing ourselves. In short, boundaries give us the space and permission to be happier and healthier in our lifestyles and choices.

Brick by brick

The phrase “personal boundaries” can sound exhausting and intimidating to the person who has none. We need to be firm but gracious to ourselves as we proceed to build some boundaries into our lives. Much of the language surrounding boundaries is negative: “Don’t do this,” and “Do less of that,” to the point that it feels legalistic and harsh.

Some boundary work is about saying no and curbing harmful habits. However, just as a person who has never been to the gym before will do damage if they try to lift the heaviest weights, we need to move at a steady pace in building boundaries. Lasting, healthy change takes time and repetition to achieve. Certain boundaries require a type of discipline that we might never have had to use before. Recovering from codependency takes commitment and focus.

Building boundaries by letting go

Here are some practices to consider for building some boundaries:

Limiting people’s access to your time

One of the simplest and most effective boundaries we can build is limiting people’s access to us outside of work hours. This could also mean declining personal calls during work hours. The idea we must let go of here is that our time, space, and resources are only valuable to others.

If we have been geared toward making others happy for so long, denying others could take some practice. The idea to embrace is that my time and resources are valuable, and I must benefit from them.

Minimizing negative self-talk

We don’t always catch negative self-speak. It can be little phrases as we work, like, “Stupid me,” or, “Ugh – you idiot!” Far more often though it is phrases we tell others about ourselves like, “I just can’t get the hang of [something you’re struggling with],” or, “I won’t ever aspire to [a goal].”

It might seem like we are just speaking the truth when we say negative things like this about ourselves, but we are reinforcing beliefs that are holding us back. Instead, we could practice saying things like, “I’m still learning this,” or, “That’s a big goal that I could reach in time.”

Limiting social media

Limiting the time, we spend on social media not only reclaims wasted hours, but it limits the amount we expose ourselves to comparison and disappointment. There is nothing wrong with spending an hour or so here and there scrolling apps, but if it’s obsessive, it’s unhealthy. Reducing our screen time also reduces the temptation to practice fawning or people-pleasing in the comments of posts.

Making a personal budget and sticking to it

Givers in codependent relationships often exhaust their finances to support others. Not only is it a drain on our money to do this, but it severely affects our mentality to always give and never receive. It impacts our sense of self-worth. We may be tempted to splurge from time to time on reckless purchases as a way of feeling worth something.

It’s not the worst idea to spend our finances on ourselves as a method of recovery, rather than on others. However, we can learn discipline from making a budget that will impact our lives for more than moments of indulgence. Saving money for bigger treats, like a solo vacation, is also preferable to micro-purchases that act as dopamine hits.

Giving thought to personal goals

Recovery from codependency is largely about reclaiming our lives for ourselves. We have spent so much of our lives focusing on others and helping them attain certain lifestyles or levels of emotional comfort and in doing so, we have neglected ourselves. Now is the time to dream again and begin to think of the world outside the limits we have been living under. Hope can be a discipline and daydreaming can be an important part of boundary building!

Making time for hobbies and interests

A common aspect of codependency is “enmeshment.” This is where our personalities and preferences become so tightly wound around another person’s that there are no distinguishable individuals in the dynamic; both of us have the same likes, dislikes, and experiences.

Recovery from codependency means having the freedom to discover ourselves again. This is a frightening and thrilling idea, and dedicating ourselves to discovering new hobbies and interests with new friends is an important boundary to practice.

Eating healthily and connecting with your body

Self-care is often simple and practical. It can be so simple that you overlook certain ideas. Making our meals from scratch, and using healthy ingredients, is one way to boost our mental health. Discovering an exercise that we enjoy, like going on hikes or practicing yoga, is another way for us to invest in looking after ourselves and establishing independence.

Developing a personal routine

On the subject of simple, practical boundaries, developing a personal routine, and managing our time are key to recovery from codependence. When we have dedicated a portion of our lives to someone else, we do everything according to their schedule and preferences. This might have even meant that we were available to them 24/7, at the cost of our sleep.

It can feel incredibly lonely and empty to focus on ourselves for the first time. Days can feel endless if we just let them pass us by, and we will likely fall into depression or anxiety from overthinking. Something as simple as having a regular bedtime, wake-up time, and dedicated mealtimes are simple boundaries that can dramatically boost our mental health. Discipline is the backbone of building boundaries, and it can look as simple or as complex as we like.

Recovering from codependency

The effort you are putting into your emotional healing and mental health today will be worth it in the future. Boundaries can be hard and recovery from codependence can be a long and messy journey, but it is possible to form healthy relationships even after codependency. Focus on making small changes, and always be gracious with yourself.

Journeying toward independence does not mean that you have to shut everyone out. Certain people can help you with your recovery from codependence, and a professional counselor is one of those people. If you would like to meet with a counselor, contact our offices today and we can make it happen. There is hope in your future and there is help for you today.