Emotional Biology: Tips for Healthy Emotional Regulation

The ability to regulate our emotions and control our impulsiveness is key to our mental health and overall well-being. Our emotional regulation, vulnerabilities, and impulsiveness are affected by our biology (developmental and physical), upbringing/childhood, social environment – both supportive or unsupportive, culture, health – physical and mental, life events, stressors, self-care, personality disorders, trauma, and grief.

Some of us are born more emotionally vulnerable and impulsive than others, and we all may respond differently to the same situations. When our emotions have the better of us, it is difficult to find hope or any belief that things can change. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) says, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

Childhood Affects on Emotional Regulation

Our in-utero development plays a part with regard to our ability to regulate our emotions or impulses, as well. Psalm 139:13 (NIV) says, “For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

Whatever our mother was going through when she was pregnant, including her health, nutrition, stressors, drug or alcohol abuse, medical, and mental illnesses, all play a significant role in how we can manage our emotions and impulses from the time we are born. In addition, our first six months of life are foundational to our development and ability to regulate emotions and impulses.

How well we were able to bond with our mother, or guardian, can have a significant impact on how we not only regulate our emotions and actions, but also how secure or insecure our relationships and attachment styles are. Bonding is critically important in the development of every baby, not only as previously stated, but also for our personality, whether healthy or disordered, and the ability to be resilient in the face of trials.

The family and social environment you grew up in will have a substantial impact on your ability to control and express yourself emotionally. If you were raised in a healthy, supportive environment, you would be able to express and control your emotions in a much healthier way than if you grew up in an unsupportive or emotionally critical environment.

As Christians, we need to be supportive of one another and especially supportive of our children by providing them with a safe, nurturing, and loving home. However, not all parents, including Christian parents, can do this. It is critical to emotional development and healthy expression to learn how to manage your emotions as a child, as well as how to express them in a healthy way. Emotions make us uncomfortable.

If you were not allowed to express them in a healthy manner, it is likely that you will pass this inability on to your children. 1 Corinthians 13:4 (NIV) “Love is patient, love is kind.” It takes patience and kindness to allow a child to learn how to manage their emotions.

For my generation and those before we were often told, “If you want something to cry about, I’ll give you something!” This indicates that crying can only be acceptable in certain situations, and those situations are rare. Men, especially, have been taught that crying is unacceptable and a sign of weakness. Women tend to be seen as more emotional, and crying is more acceptable but frequently a point of criticism, as women are called “crybabies.”

Crying is a healthy expression of our emotions that involves biochemical and neurochemical responses, including oxytocin, stress hormones, and endorphins that offer calming, healing, pain remedies, and allow our brains the ability to process and self-regulate.

We have always been taught that tears are a sign of weakness, yet they are a sign of strength and health. God created our tears to help us heal, even down to a chemical level. “I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful; I know that full well” Psalm 139:14 (NIV).

Things That Affect Emotional Regulation

Other things can affect your ability to adapt and handle emotionally charged situations. The age you were when something traumatic happened can result in your emotional development being stunted. This can result in finding comfort from the things you experienced and enjoyed at the age the abuse started.

The most significant example of this is that young children who have been sexually abused will continue to find comfort in the same cartoons they watched at that age or the dolls they played with. In addition, the way you deal with your grief and trauma can affect your ability to regulate your emotions.

If you don’t deal with it or avoid it completely, this plays a key role in how well you are able or unable to manage emotions and impulses. Avoiding trauma and grief will lead to many complications, including your emotional regulation, ability to function, relationships, and career.

Another age-related impact on your emotional development is how old you were when you started abusing drugs or alcohol. As previously mentioned, if you were exposed to drugs or alcohol in utero, many significant emotional, developmental, and behavioral complications can come from it.

This is also true for how old you were when you started using drugs and alcohol. Many addicts demonstrate less emotional maturity if their abuse started when they were a minor, especially depending on the strength and type of substance used. It also has an impact on the ability to control impulses.

Your current emotional regulation and impulses continue to be impacted by biology, your development, health, environment, and whether you have been able to process or manage the major events in your life. Any time we have a significant event in our lives, whether we face it or avoid it will have an impact on our future ability to manage and function.

The Importance of Not Burying Grief

If you bury or avoid trauma and grief, it will not simply go away. It festers and builds. We think we are managing just fine by ignoring and often believe that it has gone away. However, it continues to seep into our lives until it can no longer be contained.

It often starts affecting your emotions subtly enough that you don’t realize things are changing. It will continue to grow until it starts causing you to react to even normal events in a manner that is uncharacteristic of you. You will start to overreact to things more often and will lose the ability to regulate your responses and behaviors to the situations in front of you.

This will start to affect your relationships, friendships, your job, your ability to socialize, and to function. When we deal with events in unhealthy ways, they start causing a lot of toxic behaviors or magnify ones that are currently present, including addictions, violence, and aggression, and an increase in risky behaviors like sex or things that put your safety at risk.

So how do we get our emotions and impulses from derailing our lives or keeping us stuck in toxicity? Look back at your life and examine when your emotions started to shift or change. If you have struggled since you were a child, what do you know about your childhood?

Were any of the things that have been discussed a problem during your development? Was your upbringing supportive, or did it cause you to suppress emotions? Do you have a history of being abused in some way, experienced trauma, or have not dealt with your grief?

What You’ve Been Avoiding

First and foremost is to identify what you have not dealt with or have been avoiding. Depending on how ingrained it has become, you will need to start working through these things in therapy. Journaling is a great way to start to identify and process grief, trauma, and emotions. It is also an excellent tool to get out what has been spinning in your head. If you tend to overanalyze past situations, trauma, and grief events, you are stuck.

We often tend to just spin in the would’ve, could’ve, should’ves over events that have had an emotional impact on us. This includes any event that is upsetting, traumatic, or something that causes us to grieve. Why do we get stuck spinning in our thoughts and experience analysis paralysis?

We do this because we are desperately trying to find some sense of control over the uncontrollable. It is easier to find blame in ourselves than in others. We take responsibility that often is not ours to bear. It is important to finally put responsibility where it lies.

If you are truly responsible for something, you need to examine your motives and intent. Were they contrary to who you are or what you believe or were they good and in the best interests of everyone? Were you truly in the wrong? However, don’t let shame enter your life. Shame is one of the prime weapons that Satan uses to destroy us. Shame attacks our identity.

Instead of saying that you made a mistake, shame will tell you that you are the mistake. Sometimes we can have the best of intentions, but we don’t see the bigger picture or all the variables, and things don’t go the way we believe they should.

If our motives were wrong, then we need to examine our hearts, realign our behaviors with our beliefs, take responsibility for what we have done, change, and make amends. If we were solely the victim, we would need to stop blaming ourselves for things that were out of our control and the responsibility of others.

It is important to know that emotions are not your enemy and do not control you unless you deal with them in unhealthy ways. You need to take back control of your emotions. You can do this by acknowledging what you feel without judgment and allowing yourself to feel it in a natural way.

Stop suppressing, avoiding, or criticizing the emotions that you are experiencing. Emotions are like waves – they rise, they peak, they fall. Regulation is about riding the wave without being swept away, not suppressing or avoiding feelings.

Emotional Regulation

If you allow your emotions to come as they need to, your brain will naturally process them, and they will pass. But if you fight them, judge them, or avoid them, your emotions will become more unmanageable. Your emotions are valid, and whatever you need to feel at that time.

Learn to be comfortable in the uncomfortable. Emotions hurt, but they won’t crush us. Reframe your thoughts into something more positive. Stop negative self-talk and become your biggest supporter, not your biggest bully. Look at your perspective.

We often make mountains out of molehills or catastrophize them. We do this because we are afraid we can’t handle the worst-case scenario. Create a plan for how to manage it and remind yourself that you have likely handled worse. When you know you are capable, things don’t seem as overwhelming.

Utilize coping skills like breathing techniques or grounding skills that allow you to be present and mindful. A grounding skill is something that allows you to focus on your surroundings and brings you back to the present, rather than being stuck in your thoughts.

One way is to use your five senses by engaging in your surroundings: identify five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.

You can also make a list of 5-4-3-2-1 that is unique to you. For example, five shapes, four colors, three things that start with the letter A, etc. Making it more personalized will help it to be more effective. Take care of yourself, exercise, get health checkups, take vitamins, eat well, rest, and make sure you are sleeping well. Finally, communicate what you feel and why you are feeling that way. If you don’t know, talk through it with someone.

Healing From God

God wants to bring you comfort, healing, and restoration. It is okay to ask for help when you need it. “Bear one another’s burdens” Galatians 6:2 (NIV). You are not admitting defeat but are admitting strength in recognizing you don’t have to do this alone. “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, I will give you rest” Matthew 11:28 (NIV). “The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18 (NIV).