Freedom from the Codependency Trap: Navigating Codependent Relationships and Communication

Communication is a skill that all humans need to navigate life and relationships. There are conditions in our lives that can hijack our communication and hold us hostage to a mindset that disrupts connection instead of facilitating it. We see this when exploring the nature of codependency.

Codependency is the state of being mutually reliant. For example, a relationship between two individuals who are emotionally dependent on one another. Codependent relationships are often characterized by dysfunction in which one person is psychologically dependent on or controlled by another.

Bible stories to guard against codependency

The Bible helps us embrace truth for living as we read examples highlighting what to do and what to avoid. Its stories don’t censor the experiences of real people, much like us, who experienced the same challenges and received the same grace.

We capture a glimpse of this intersection where Jesus visited two sisters, Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). Martha appeared to be agitated during Jesus’ visit, busy with preparations for dinner while Mary remained close to Jesus. It was clear that Martha desired her sister’s help, but instead of directly stating her wishes to Mary, Martha directed guilt-laden remarks about Mary to Jesus.

Whether or not she believed that Jesus would rouse Mary from her position of listening at His feet, Martha’s communication serves as an example of what codependency can look like in our homes, families, and interactions. Similarly, we funnel our feelings of frustration, deflecting them onto others through snide remarks and indirect requests.

In those moments, a different choice is available. We could pause and directly communicate our needs and ask for the help we’d like. While it can make us feel vulnerable, the nature of a direct request leaves less room for misinterpretation and opens us to connect better with those we love.

Jesus emphasized that Mary had chosen something better, by remaining attentive to His Presence. We can elect to do the same. It doesn’t mean that we abandon what needs to be done elsewhere. Time spent with God will draw our focus to what He wants us to see. This may not align with everyone else’s priorities and has the potential to generate conflict where our actions mismatch what people want.

However, Jesus knows what is needed for all involved. He will furnish the strength and peace to operate our lives from a place of rest in Him. His peace guards our hearts and minds, anchoring us in security versus becoming displaced by agitation and anxiety, simply to please others out of codependency.

When we respond to His Heart by abiding in His Will, we establish priorities in an order that pleases God. We have the strength to resist what tempts us to become fretful and to respond to invitations to where the Lord wants us to fellowship.

Our words can communicate, but our actions will as well. It isn’t selfish, but rather wise to first seek God about where He wants us to be and what He wants us to do. In rest with the Holy Spirit, we gather the words to speak to those we love about our boundaries, priorities, and where we need to retain focus.

It’s in rest that we draw from the fountain of the Living Water that refreshes us for times of activity and production. He will guide us with balancing so we don’t overcommit, overextend, or become overwhelmed by our well-intentioned to-do’s that could overtake our peace and our schedules.

Be proactive

Taking a proactive stance in our communication can help us avoid offense and misunderstanding. Although offenses or snares to obstruct our communication will come, as Scripture guarantees, we have some choices (Luke 17:1).

We can invite the Lord’s help when we feel the pressure to cave to a codependent pattern that may have been established in our families. We may be so accustomed to offering our “yes” to keep the peace and please others. On the other hand, we may be familiar with controlling those in our circles, weaponizing guilt and emotion to coerce them into what we want.

Be present

We don’t have to retreat in shame but rather recognize that Jesus remained present and engaged with us, even as He did with both sisters. Recognizing our value to the Lord, as Mary did, can help us to develop the confidence and the clarity to be more aware of our emotions.

It is our responsibility to cultivate the peace that governs and guards our hearts. We also must be willing to proactively communicate what is inside us. Even if we don’t know how to engage in assertive, direct communication, we can learn how to do it, truthfully, and in love, without manipulating others or being mishandled by them.

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. – Ephesians 4:15, NIV

Be productive

This refuels us, enabling us to be effective and joyful. When we resume Martha-like activities that generate productivity, we don’t have to burn out in frustration. Neither do we have to lash out with harsh words and actions, projecting those feelings onto those we love.

Our engagement will be marked by stamina and the peace that enables us to be present with others. It begins first by remaining at Jesus’ feet, where we have absorbed the good part, being intentionally present with the Lord.

We will face uncomfortable situations and invariably, our emotions can reflect an internal mess that we don’t always know how to navigate or communicate. It presents a challenge within and certainly in our interactions with others. Although codependency relies on stifling one’s true emotions and communicating them through indirect and passive-aggressive means, we can learn how to navigate our emotions by first communing with our hearts.

Having a time of stillness and rest allows us to sit with the Lord and receive the insight needed to sift through our own heart’s issues. Being consumed by busyness and activity, both mentally and practically doesn’t allow us to get still or quiet enough to manage our own heart.

However, when we spend quality time with the Holy Spirit, we honor God. We replenish ourselves and develop an awareness of what we need and want not only from Him and ourselves. We also learn how to hear from the Holy Spirit where we can make direct requests of others and how to practically engage in healthy and assertive communication.

This enables us to talk with, not at, others. It harmonizes and integrates our communication so we aren’t speaking one sentiment with our words, while our internal person and our non-verbal cues convey a contrary and conflicting message.

While we may not know how to manage these emotions, we can learn how to regulate them so codependency doesn’t consume us or the relationships we want to preserve. Managing our response in the moment is a skill that often involves time, process, and sometimes planning.

Counseling is a valuable support tool that will help us interrupt patterns of codependency and guide us with new techniques for engaging others. Yet, it is possible to learn to notice, interpret, and communicate our thoughts clearly and directly. This produces an environment that is conducive to communication and has the potential to restore internal peace and perhaps interpersonal resolution, or at least start us in that direction.

Next steps overcome codependency

You don’t have to wrestle with these things alone. Seek the counsel of a therapist whose empathy and experience will help you to unpack and understand some of the family history and patterns that brought you to this point. Individual, and perhaps family sessions, can support you with techniques to implement in real-time and real life.

Search this site for a professional, and schedule today. You can navigate your way out of the codependency trap and embrace healthy communication.