Why Do People Have Affairs? 6 Possible Reasons

Why do people have affairs? Infidelity in committed relationships is an all-too-common reality couples have to deal with. Though couples set clear boundaries for their relationship, and they make promises to one another to be faithful, infidelity affects a significant portion of relationships.

The question then arises – why did it happen? Was there something missing from the primary relationship? Was it simply a case of lust? In short, why do people have affairs? Knowing the answer can help a couple address the issues in their relationship and help them to consider their next steps.

Why do people have affairs?

Each person who has an affair, whether it is a physical affair that includes sexual intimacy, or an emotional affair that can occur without any physical contact, has reasons for it. They may be fully conscious of those reasons, or they may find themselves being driven by strong impulses they may struggle to articulate. Whatever the reasons may be, however, infidelity is never justified. It is a serious and painful breach of covenant that can destroy a relationship.

However, understanding the reasons why people have affairs can provide a couple decide how to proceed. One might be willing to forgive infidelity if it occurred for certain reasons but may struggle to reconcile themselves to infidelity that occurs for certain other reasons. Whether you want to rebuild the relationship may hinge on why the infidelity occurred.

Some of the reasons why people have affairs include the following:

Hurt people hurt people.

Sometimes, an affair is a response to a wrong they’ve suffered within the relationship, such as infidelity. One spouse may have an affair out of anger and a desire for revenge.

To find a way out of the relationship.

If a person feels stuck in a relationship, one way out may be to “blow it up” by harming the relationship in the deepest and most egregious way possible. Their hope may be to precipitate a breakup of the relationship.

It was an opportunity.

Sometimes there is no buildup to an affair. There is no big fight or any lingering unhappiness. Sometimes, an affair happens because the opportunity for it presents itself, and a person surrenders to the temptation. Perhaps there are some issues present such as ignoring boundaries and warning signs in the moment, or perhaps it is facilitated by intoxication that loosens self-control.

Filling the gaps.

If there’s a breakdown in the relationship, such as poor communication, a lack of sexual intimacy, or unresolved conflict and trust issues, one spouse may sinfully seek comfort outside the marriage, looking to have unmet needs fulfilled by someone else.

It’s titillating.

Doing something that’s forbidden and possibly dangerous makes it seem more exciting and passionate. Add to that the reality that stolen glances, kisses, and moments with a lover seem more precious because they are rare and need to be carefully engineered, and it enhances the attractiveness of one’s lover and the situation.

From a Christian perspective, the transgressive nature of sin is often what attracts our fallen hearts, and pursuing the forbidden thing seems daring, but it leads to sorrow. Proverbs 5-7 reminds us of these truths.

It appears to awaken one’s lost or forgotten self.

The older one gets, the more one may get the sense that they’ve lost touch with themselves and taken paths they never thought they would. An affair may represent an inordinate desire to reconnect with one’s past self or explore past choices.

This is one reason affairs often happen between people and their flames from the past. Reconnecting leads to reminiscing, which leads to wondering what might have been, which leads to kindling an inappropriate emotional connection and possibly a sinful sexual relationship that breaks their covenantal relationship with their spouse.

It provides room for self-exploration. People have complex recesses in their hearts and lives. Sometimes, out of boredom or from the desire to explore aspects of oneself, a person may sinfully look beyond their marriage to meet that need.

Instead of drawing one’s partner into that exploration, the person looks outward. A person in an otherwise happy and productive relationship may commit adultery for these or similar reasons.

Finding Support

Infidelity can occur in any relationship, whether happy and healthy, or dysfunctional. It’s important to understand the reasons why someone has an affair. Understanding and empathizing are not the same thing as condoning something, but to move forward and heal the breach, it’s important to understand why the infidelity occurred.

If you had an affair, you may be analyzing your own thought path, trying to make sense of why you did what you did. For the offended party, it can help to understand why their spouse broke covenant with them.

If your relationship has been rocked by infidelity, it may be that you need time and space to process what has happened and why. This can help you decide your next steps, whether to remain in the relationship and try to fix things or to walk away if that is your decision. Speaking with someone such as a professional counselor can provide you with the safe space and guidance you need to navigate these waters.

If you choose to work on the relationship, through Christian counseling, you can work through any issues that may have been at the root of the infidelity, and work to strengthen your relationship, build accountability and develop better communication as well as conflict resolution skills to safeguard the relationship and allow for deeper vulnerability with one another.

A Christian counselor can help by bringing godly wisdom to bear on the situation, helping you work through questions of forgiveness and reconciliation, and helping cultivate deeper intimacy.