Sibling Rivalry: What is Causing My Adult Children to Fight?

Sibling rivalry between children is an everyday event. There is always some reason that children choose to be at odds with each other. However, there are times when these feelings of rivalry follow them into adulthood.

It is also common for adult siblings to disagree about various things as they build their lives according to their beliefs and values. The problem arises when they take the rivalry to extremes and end up in the aftermath of a heated and hateful fight.

Families with adults who struggle with rivalry often find these issues affect the entire family. This often leads to severing ties with the entire family. As children, rivalry revolves around attention or personal space. In adulthood, it stems from those feelings that were manifested in childhood and other inciteful situations.

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. – Philippians 2:4, ESV

Why do adult children fight?

Parents find themselves asking why their adult children can’t get along. Most adults argue and compete with siblings as a result of continued issues from childhood. Here are the six most common reasons for sibling rivalry in adult children that can cause family rifts.

Birth order

The birth order of children often comes in as the most common reason for rivalry. Family issues start when the older siblings are expected to serve as the role model for the younger children. The second child struggles with being overlooked while the third child is labeled as the spoiled one. Each of these mindsets affects how they will interact not only in childhood but also in adulthood.

Estate or will

As adult children struggle with the grief of losing parents, the unresolved issues from childhood sometimes surface and cause a struggle with the decision-making regarding estates and wills. When one child is the executor of the will the other siblings may feel as though they were unimportant.

Jealousy

The age-old cause of fights, jealousy, tends to bring about the need to compete for attention or praise. This manifests as a feeling that there has been unfairness in how the parents treat or interact with the other child(ren).

Aging parents

Being a caregiver for aging parents can become exhausting. If one sibling feels as though there is not equal participation in the responsibilities, there may be a rise in tension that results in distancing between the siblings.

Defined success

There are instances when families base success on high-level achievements, such as college degrees, rather than simply being able to maintain a healthy and joyful life. This causes a family rift that may not be resolved.

Difference in personality and lifestyle

Each adult child will pursue life goals based on their desires and dreams. Personality traits tend to be a major factor in how an adult chooses to create a lifestyle that is suited for them. One may enjoy the fast-paced of the city which keeps them busy and the other may be more of the make time for family type of person.

How to avoid sibling rivalry

Some simple strategies parents can practice while their children grow up can reduce the incidence of rivalry between adult children and reduce the chance of family rifts that lead to estrangement.

• Keep expectations clear
• Encourage individuality
• Ensure equal attention
• Help children understand conflict resolution
• Make time for family
• Refrain from comparing

Conclusion

Sibling rivalry is not uncommon. The problem arises when it affects relationships in adulthood. Understanding the reasons behind the family rifts can help them heal and resolve issues. Reach out to our office to meet with a Christian counselor who can help you determine what could be the cause of sibling rivalry in your family.