Practical Tips for When You Want to Start Over

Sometimes something is so broken, so off track, that fixing it is just not realistic. Through my years as a practicum student, intern, life coach, and now also a professional counselor, I can think of a handful of these cases that have come across my desk during those years.

There are times when life is so chaotic that refreshing or restarting is the only option. I am not talking about instances of DV, that is a different subject. What I’m talking about here is where people just were not happy.

One case I can think of specifically is a man in his late twenties whose parents were extremely codependent. They came by his house all the time, and they always found a reason to be there. Anytime he dated someone his mother found a way to insert herself into the woman’s life essentially becoming her best friend, so she still had contact with three of his ex-girlfriends!

In one session he stated, “I wish I could just start life over”. My response “Why don’t you?” He looked at me and said, “How can I do that?” And he was serious. We began first with him putting some boundaries into place with his parents coming over all of the time. The new rule became if they were not invited or did not text first then he did not answer the door.

He stated he wanted to move. We live in a larger city, so he moved to a new part of the city he had never lived in that was going through an upscale renovation. He moved to a new apartment, and he loved it. The next step was to find a new church, he was still a member of his parents’ church, and it was wonderful, but it was small, it was just another way to spend time with his parents. He found a new church near him that had a singles group for people his age.

Next was his job, now this is not reasonable for everyone, but he wanted to be remote. They said no, so he quit. He found a job that allowed him to be fully remote. Then he changed other things about his life that did not fit in with his new life.

He started buying nicer, age-appropriate clothes. He got a new hairstyle. Several of these are little changes, but they all added up. Moving across town forty minutes away from his parents was just what he needed. Now when he goes to visit on the weekends, he has a lot to talk about. New restaurants, new friends he has made, etc. He completely reinvented himself.

And he needed to because he was angry, tired, and frustrated. When I last saw him years ago, he was so happy he looked like a completely different person. What was so magical about his transformation? Nothing really, other than the fact he laid down boundaries and decided to change some things up. He decided he wanted things to be different and he was courageous enough to change them.

Not all changes have to be so drastic. Maybe you go to a new church, maybe you find new friends. I once met a lady whose friend group was nothing but pure drama. It was wearing her down, emotionally and even physically.

She had been diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder and every time she was around her friends it flared up. My question to her was “What is your body telling you?” “That my friends are toxic to my health,” was her response, wow, what a powerful response.

Ways to Add Some Newness to Your Life

What is one habit that you no longer want or one that you want to add? In my previous client’s case, he wanted to change his church the most. He wanted his own church and his own social life, so he made sure to change to a church that was still God-centered and went by the Bible.

He let go of some friendships that were holding him back and even let go of almost his entire wardrobe and bought clothes that reflected the new him. He didn’t spend a fortune either, he worked with a men’s stylist and started a capsule wardrobe.

Do you need to move out of your environment?

From young people getting out of party-hard college dorms to 5-6 roommates, to buying a home, I’ve seen it all. When our environment is not set up for comfort and healing it can be chaotic to our emotional, and mental health. What do you need to change to have peace?

Do you need to set boundaries?

Sometimes starting over just means setting boundaries and making our life look more like what we want. When we are overwhelmed by people always in our space or always demanding things of us, it can be emotionally draining. We take care of our physical health, but we neglect our emotional health.

Make a list of what you want to be different.

Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to dress differently? Do you want to change your hairstyle? Do you want to earn a certification or degree that will allow you to make more money? Be self-employed? What do you want?

These are vital questions everyone should regularly ask themselves. Our life is constantly changing and evolving and if we are stuck in one place, we can feel sad, anxious, or even depressed.

Make a list of the steps you need to achieve your goals.

Some things are easy, such as going to the hairstylist and saying, “I want something different!” Others, not so much, like changing to a new career. What if you’re a secretary but your dream has always been to be a registered dietician?

Your first step would be to find out what is required to be a registered dietician in your state and go from there. Maybe you keep your job while going back to school, maybe if you’re able, you quit work and double up on classes so you can just concentrate on your new goal. More often than not, change takes time. It is ok to start slow.

It can be overwhelming or even frustrating when we are ready to take on a new adventure, but that adventure ends up being a journey and not something we can do quickly. This is why so many people have the life you want. They were willing to follow along the journey. If you tend to give up easily, then find something you’re passionate about that you know will be worth it in the long run.

It took me almost seven years to finish my master’s degree, but during that time my priority was being a stay-at-home mom. School was second. I do not regret a single minute of it. I learned everything in God’s time. I can say I am exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. Do I have goals for the future? Of course!

Starting slow also helps us see if we want what we think we want. Has taking classes in food science got you thinking? Maybe you want to own your own clinic instead of working for someone. Maybe you want to work with teens, or with geriatric clients. We all find where we fit eventually.

Next Steps

Life can run us down sometimes. Sometimes we only need to change a few things to feel refreshed and ready for the next stage. Sometimes we need a shake-up in order to be a completely different person. Whatever it is for you, sit down and plan it out first.

Think about what you want to be different, and what you have to do to get there, and start from where you are today. Take your time to think about what you want and set a deadline. As Dr. Phil says, “A goal without a deadline is just a dream.”