Is My Best Friend Toxic? A Biblical Approach to Understanding Toxic Behavior

There comes a moment in many of our lives when it slowly dawns on us that our best friend might not be such a good person. Sometimes it takes ages to see this, because a best friend is usually the person that we spend the most time with, and the person we trust the most. In some cases, we have grown up with them, and have known them our whole lives, so realizing that they exhibit toxic behavior can be painful.

Recognizing toxic behavior is not always an easy thing to do, but it is especially tricky when it is our best friend who is being toxic. We might have a deep sense of loyalty to them, and most of us will give them the benefit of the doubt, hoping that they will change with time. After all love “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:7, NIV)

However, sticking beside a toxic person is not healthy for us, and it doesn’t serve them either. Accepting abusive or controlling treatment diminishes our sense of self-worth and enables our friend to continue in their inappropriate and hurtful behavior.

The Bible instructs us, “If someone is caught in sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.” (Galatians 6:1, NIV) What does this look like in practice? How do we even recognize if our best friend is toxic in the first place? Should we always stick by this person, or is there a time when we would be better off severing the connection?

What is toxic behavior?

The word “toxic” has become something of a buzzword recently and most often refers to an environment (like a workplace, for example) or someone’s behavior. Someone acting in a toxic way might be controlling, disrespectful, intimidating, unkind, manipulative, or dishonest.

Toxic behavior can be mild, where the person makes us feel undermined or doesn’t respect our boundaries, or it can be abusive and extreme, where that person makes us question our worth and causes us to feel unsafe with them.

We all may exhibit some toxic traits from time to time because “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23, NIV) What counts as toxic behavior is how often we default to these unhealthy tactics. Repeated action becomes a habit, and a habit counts toward a person’s character. Someone who lies and manipulates to constantly get their way is different from someone who has lied on occasion, but generally strives to be honest.

Toxic behavior demands its way and threatens whoever opposes it. It does not like to be disagreed with, is not open to being challenged or exposed, does not like hearing the word “no.” Someone who is exhibiting toxic behavior may fly off the handle when faced with obstacles. It is the opposite of the love described in 1 Corinthians 13. In psychological terms, toxic behavior frequently ties in with narcissism, anger issues, and gaslighting.

Things That Should Not Cause Tension in a Friendship

As we ask the question, “Is my best friend toxic?” we may want to consider a few things. Certain behaviors are completely normal in any relationship, whether professional, romantic, or friendly. However, these things are often triggers to toxic people. If any of these are causes of conflict or tension in your friendship, your friend is likely toxic.

Having a Difference of Opinion

Having a different point of view or opinion is something that can and should enrich a friendship. A difference of opinions and values creates a space for conversation and even healthy debate. When Proverbs says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17, NIV), the author is talking about tension and conflict. We don’t have to have identical opinions and values with our friends.

However, if our friend explodes in anger or becomes upset and sulky when we don’t agree with them on a certain topic, that is a red flag for toxic behavior.

Saying “No”

Telling our friend, “No thanks,” “not now,” or saying, “I’m not in the mood for this particular thing” is a simple way of upholding a boundary and stating our preference. This should not be an issue for someone who respects and loves us and wants us to be happy. They might be disappointed, but if saying “no” causes them to lash out in anger, or become brooding and spiteful, it is a sign of toxicity.

Sharing Personal Burdens

Friendship should be a place where we can let our guard down and be emotionally vulnerable, knowing that we will be heard, seen, and loved. We should “carry each other’s burdens…” (Galatians 6:2, NIV) as friends. When that is a two-way street, our lives should be easier to navigate. Having someone share our anxieties and stresses, as well as our victories and triumphs, makes life fuller and easier to deal with.

If your friendship is one-sided and your friend is unwilling to give themselves to you or humiliates and judges you when you share your most vulnerable side, that is not a healthy relationship.

The Effects of a Toxic Friendship

A lot of the time we become emotionally exhausted because friendship becomes a one-way street. Toxic friends do not make time to hear us out when we have something important to share but expect us to give them time whenever they need it. This ties in with them not respecting our boundaries and leads to one person doing well while the other struggles. It shouldn’t be this way in a friendship.

Just as in the natural world, when we are exposed to a toxic environment, it affects our health and could be potentially fatal. Having a toxic friend will lead to us feeling unheard, unseen, disrespected, and used. We might develop anxiety, and depression, feel the effects of burnout, and anger or resentment.

Finally recognizing the toxicity in a friendship might lead to a feeling of betrayal. When our devotion and loyalty have not been reciprocated, that hurts. Along with feeling betrayed, we might feel shame. Why did we stick by them for so long? We probably weren’t the only recipients of their toxic behavior. We might even feel guilty for not having recognized things sooner.

What to Do with a Toxic Friend

As James tells us, “Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover a multitude of sins.” (James 5:20, NIV) This means confrontation and that is a scary word for many of us. Confrontation begins with acknowledging that there is wrongdoing. If there is to be change in the situation, we must have a conversation with our friend about their behavior.

A helpful tip that we can use in confrontation is to express things from our point of view. A sentence like, “I have been feeling neglected in our friendship,” sounds less accusatory than, “You are a neglectful friend.” “I feel like you don’t care about me,” is better than saying, “You are selfish.” These sentences address the core issue but don’t feel like a direct attack on your friend because you are presenting your point of view.

The problem we may encounter is that narcissists rarely respond to confrontation well. It is likely they will become emotional and angry and may try to gaslight you into thinking that you are the one at fault. One reality we might have to face is that this might be the end of the friendship. Some friendships are unsalvageable in the end, and letting go after we have confronted the issue might be the only remaining option for us.

Getting Help

If you have been in a toxic friendship and feel the effects of that, there is hope for you. A counselor is someone who uses their training and insight to help people in your position. Whether you need space to unload your emotions or advice on what to do next, we can help you. Reach out to our offices today and we will connect you with a therapist that can help you.