6 Tactics Used by Narcissistic Parents

Many people who had a difficult childhood grew up knowing that their parents were the problem, but only much later realized the specific issue was that their parents were narcissistic. Narcissistic parents are self-centered, controlling, or emotionally neglectful and tend to cause much emotional and psychological damage to their children.

Sadly, narcissists do not change with age. The first step in dealing with narcissistic parents is to learn the particular tactics they use. If we can’t teach an old dog new tricks, we can at least learn how to insulate ourselves from further damage and focus on fixing what was broken.

The Personality Profile of a Narcissist

At their core, every narcissist is deeply insecure, affected by shame, and afraid of rejection. None of these traits is inherently toxic, and all of them are common. However, narcissistic people cannot face any of these truths and will expend as much energy as they can muster to avoid having to face facts.

To feel empowered in place of their insecurity, some will postulate or dominate, some will play the victim to regain the power, but none will own up to feeling insecure. Instead of examining the source of their shame, they will center themselves and demand respect, acceptance, and appreciation. Rather than acknowledge their fear of rejection and work on themselves, a narcissist will scramble to control and manipulate the people in their life.

In this way, they avoid focusing on personal flaws while obtaining a sense of obedience, connection, and loyalty. The connections fostered by narcissists never resemble genuine affection or intimacy, but narcissists lack the empathy to care about that.

Narcissists tend to be extremely clever with their communication and are tuned into other people’s behavior. Their interest in other people only stretches as far as knowing how to use, manipulate, and control them for selfish purposes. They tend to be highly sensitive to criticism, confrontation, or even feedback. Narcissists are most commonly found in positions where they can mold and manipulate others, as at the heads of important corporations or as heads of families.

Tactics Employed by Narcissistic Parents

A parent role is the perfect vehicle for a narcissist to drive. They get to be self-centered, controlling, and emotionally manipulative, all while claiming to be an involved parent. Still, other narcissists tend to be neglectful parents who are resentful about having to share importance with others, even their children.

It can take decades to realize that our parents were narcissistic, and sometimes longer to confront and undo the damage they did. It all starts with identifying and understanding the tactics they used or continue to use on us.

Their love is based on your obedience

There are few things more threatening to a narcissistic parent than a child’s autonomy. As we grow in knowledge, life experience, and understanding of the world, it is natural that we become more independent, sometimes even rejecting the values that were instilled in us from early childhood.

This is often a natural and healthy part of life, but to the narcissistic parent who needs to be agreed with always, it is a threat. Their love and acceptance of you are based on your compliance with their rules; if you are not with them, you are against them.

Narcissistic parents are bullies. They don’t care about your well-being as much as they care about their superiority over you. Love is not proud or self-seeking, and narcissistic parents do not model true love.

They might play favorites with other siblings

Narcissistic parents will often pit siblings against each other when there is dissent or disagreement. The sibling who follows their rules is the golden child, and anyone who practices autonomy is the black sheep. Acceptance and rejection are powerful tools, and to a large extent, our culture hinges on staying in for fear of being tossed out. This is a careful and cruel tactic used by narcissistic parents to warn or enact revenge on free-thinking children.

They try to remain in control of everything

Beneath the meticulous layers and structure, people who are control freaks tend to be desperately afraid. This fear drives them to control as much of their environment as possible, from the programs the family watches on TV, to house rules being enforced, to the itinerary on holiday.

Unlike regular control freaks, narcissists believe they are superior to everyone else, and so they feel entitled to call all the shots. They derive a deep sense of satisfaction and importance from controlling all the minor details of the lives of everyone in their household. Some narcissists will become aggressive and even violent if their rule is challenged, while others will become sullen and brooding until they regain obedience from others.

They feel big by making you feel small

Healthy parents want to see their children flying high and will celebrate all their victories and achievements. However, narcissistic parents are often triggered by their children’s achievements and success. They might resort to undermining, giving the cold shoulder treatment, or even mocking interests as a way of regaining a sense of superiority. Instead of nurturing their children, they nurture and protect their fragile ego.

They project personal issues onto you

Regardless of their personal history, the one thing every narcissist has in common is that they have a plethora of issues that they never acknowledge. Instead, they will project their insecurities, shame, anger, bitterness, and regret on those around them, even their children. That’s often the reason children feel as if they were failures, overly dramatic, or lazy when we were growing up. They were merely the canvas, and the narcissistic parent was making a mess of them.

They often shift the role of caregivers

Narcissists are severely emotionally underdeveloped. People call them babies because they tend to do nothing for themselves, while expecting others to cater to all of their needs. Sadly, it is often their children who have to step up and be a mix between confidantes, therapists, caregivers, and emotional nurses to their narcissistic parents.

Many narcissists will use this as a way of manipulating their children into keeping them central in their lives. “You never visit me anymore because you no longer care about me,” they’ll say as a joke, while fully intending to shame us.

Breaking Free from Narcissistic Parents

It is a saving grace that we gain independence and freedom when we leave home. However, many of us still feel shamed and guilt-tripped into centering around aging narcissistic parents. It can be hard to enforce boundaries and be direct with our communication when we were shamed for those exact things in childhood. It doesn’t help that narcissists will never accept responsibility for their actions.

Many of us continue to be negatively impacted by our parents long after we’ve become parents ourselves. Our spouses, our children, our successes, and our failures become new players on the chessboard for them to manipulate and use. Regardless of the pain we carry and the experiences we’ve had, it can be hard to break free from narcissistic parents or to reduce their impact on our lives.

There is no easy way to confront a narcissistic parent. There could be decades of context to bring up, and being vulnerable with them often makes us a target. We might have the option to lean on our spouse for support, or a close friend who understands our history. Ultimately, we have an obligation to our emotional and mental wellness. We need to put ourselves and our new families first, because our narcissistic parents never did and most likely never will.

We may need to learn how to use our voice, to celebrate our achievements, and to receive genuine love and affection from others. There is a lot to unlearn and let go of. There is still time to do it, however, and we can be the parents we never had.

Support in Your Journey

If you would like support in dealing with a narcissistic parent or the damage caused by one, we can help. Speaking with a counselor about your experiences could be the first step in your healing process. Contact us for more information.