Gaslighting in a Relationship and How to Combat Negative Perceptions

Are you in a relationship that has you questioning your memory or second-guessing your thought processes and judgment? If your sense of reality doesn’t match what your partner keeps saying, you may be experiencing gaslighting in a relationship. This little space on the internet is for you, my friend.

Repeated gaslighting is abusive behavior. It is important that if you can relate to this article, you get help right away.

What Gaslighting in a Relationship Feels Like

You may find yourself replaying conversations in your head, wondering if you misunderstood or if you’re overacting as your partner asserts. When you mention concerns, they may dismiss them or turn the blame back on you. They may say things like, “You’re too sensitive” or “You always blow things out of proportion.”

Over time, these words start to sink in, and you begin to wonder if you’re the problem. Their words and false accusations can become a part of the DNA of your soul. You may feel disoriented, like you’re losing your grip on what’s real, and you start relying on their version of events instead of trusting your own memory.

Their opinion is the only one that matters to them and quite frankly, eventually to you. Soon, you are not the person you were before but have morphed, internally. When doubts creep in and you wonder if you can still trust yourself, remember that what you’re feeling is valid. If you’re constantly questioning your reality, it’s a sign that something (or someone) isn’t right. Most likely, that something (or someone) isn’t you.

You deserve to trust your own voice, experience, and perception, even if someone else is trying to distort it.

How Gaslighting in a Relationship Can Change Your Perception of God

An unfortunate result of the distortion that comes from gaslighting is that sometimes our perception of God Himself gets distorted. This might happen when you buy into the lies that your partner tells. If you’re told that you are mean, evil, lazy, or unlovable, then you might start to question whether God views you the same way.

If your partner is a person with “spiritual authority” such as a professed mature Christian or someone who proclaims special knowledge of Scripture, the damage can be more far-reaching and deep-seated. “If this spiritual giant finds this much fault in me, then I must be a disappointment to God,” you might think. Be assured that God’s love is unconditional and far-reaching.

Finding Truth among the Lies

The truth is you are a loved child of God, not a product of the perceptions and lies of others. You’re the sum of the delights of our Father who strategically formed you into the person He wanted you to be.

In order to challenge the negative perceptions that have formed in your head and that dictate your self-worth, start by recognizing the inherent value God places on authenticity, truth, and foremost, love. Acknowledging the value God places on you and your sweet, place in the family of God, will help rewire your brain with the truth.

Maybe you knew and felt God’s love at one time but question it now. Gaslighting distorts reality, causing confusion and doubt, but Scripture reminds us that God is not the author of confusion. It’s important to acknowledge that manipulation, deceit, and emotional harm are not a part of the honesty that God calls us to in relationships.

If someone is perverting the truth, that relationship should be reevaluated under the microscope of the Word. Loving yourself as God loves you means you don’t accept relationships that erode your trust in Him or that make you feel disconnected from His love.

Confronting the Lies Within

Gas lighters can be convincing. That’s part of their power, but you have power too. Confronting lies formed through gaslighting begins with affirming your worth as a child of God. The lies that you have been told may have taken root in your mind, but you are created in God’s image, with a mind and a heart capable of discerning truth.

Gaslighting tries to strip away that truth, but God is here to renew your mind and give you strength, wisdom, and clarity. He can help you hold fast to what is true and weed out deceptions. Here are a few ways to help confront the lies that may have taken root in your life.

Use Scripture

Gaslighters often thrive on control and manipulation and sometimes use Scripture or Christian principles to give themselves authority. It is for this reason you should become familiar with the Scriptures and the nature of God.

If you know the truth as it is given in Scripture, you will more likely be able to spot manipulation and perversion of biblical truths. There is power in the truth of God’s Word. Remember to take up the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.

Identify the lies

To combat your negative perceptions of yourself, try to dissect the truth from both the lies in your head and the ones that come from the mouth of your accuser. Gaslighting, and the lies that stem from it, can cause deep spiritual harm. As Christ-followers, we are called to protect our hearts and our minds. That means protecting yourselves from the lies of the world and the ones in your head.

Not sure what is fact or fiction? Use journaling to record the facts so you can reference them whenever doubt creeps in. Seek therapy and conversations with trusted friends to help you separate lies from the authentic truth.

Be transparent

Learn to be transparent with trusted friends and your therapist. If you know you are presenting your authentic self with these trusted people, you will find yourself growing in confidence. Being in an environment of accountability and honesty will also help you get a trustworthy view of your life and memories.

When your gas lighter tries to manipulate you, you can lean on your authentic relationships and the truth, as witnessed by others, to dispel the lies.

Forgiveness and Boundaries

Gaslighting can have serious mental, social, emotional, and spiritual consequences for the victim. Because we are human, we may hold resentment and anger toward our abuser. From a human standpoint, that’s entirely normal. However, bitterness is not a healthy emotion for us to hang onto and it leaves power in the hands of the one who gaslit you.

In many ways, they can continue their abuse and manipulation of our minds, emotions, and spiritual lives, even after the relationship is over. But God heals! God is all about forgiveness. Making the intentional decision to let go of the resentment and anger toward the person who has wronged you will free you from the burden of pain. Putting your trust in God leads to healing.

Forgiveness is not meant to enable harmful and destructive behavior. Forgiveness is about releasing the bitterness and pain that someone may have caused you and not about allowing them to continue hurting you.

Likewise, setting boundaries doesn’t mean that you lack forgiveness or grace. It means you value the truth and yourself enough to seek healthy, respectful relationships. Boundaries offer the other person, your abuser, the chance to change their behavior and surrender to the life-changing love of God.

If they refuse to change, it will become clear to them that maintaining your own well-being and your commitment to authenticity is the priority. Boundaries are not unloving or “un-Christian;” they are a way to maintain the peace and integrity that God desires for you.

Breaking Free

When someone gaslights you, they are attacking not just emotions, but your whole self. Your sense of self-worth, your perception of reality, your history, and even your relationship with God can be tainted and skewed. Trusting in God’s truth can give you the strength to recognize when someone is distorting reality or undermining your sense of self. Believing in God’s love for you can help you break free from the unrelenting confusion of gaslighting.

Much of this work cannot be done alone. Besides the support of faithful friends and loved ones, you must seek the help of a therapist. They can help you untangle the knot of lies, draw boundaries, and begin healing. If you are ready for this next step, contact our office. We have several skilled therapists ready to help. Make your appointment today.