How to Forgive a Loved One Who Hurts You

We don’t always choose the people we love. By dint of circumstance and the various situations we find ourselves in, our lives become populated with people and relationships that have a huge impact on us, for good or for ill. People such as our parents, siblings, and relatives who form part of our extended family are a given for many of us, and they are in our lives before we are even able to make decisions about such things.

Our loved ones aren’t perfect people, whether they just happened to be in our lives at the right place and time or because we chose to make them part of our lives. They make mistakes, whether these are errors in judgment, the result of poor communication, the inability to see someone else’s perspective, or sometimes through doing and saying hurtful things deliberately. When mistakes happen, they threaten the relationship and its ongoing existence.

One of the main ways to deal with relational hurt is to forgive the person who hurt you. Forgiveness isn’t always easy, not only from the perspective of understanding what you’re doing when you’re forgiving someone but also from the experience of offering forgiveness itself. This article will provide some pointers for how to forgive a loved one who has hurt you.

The place of forgiveness in relationships

In all relationships, there comes a time when harm is caused, inadvertently or otherwise. Your loved one might not show up when you were relying on them to babysit. They might let slip to someone else something that was said in confidence. They might break a promise to pursue their rehab and treatment. They might lie, and so break your trust. They might say something in public that humiliates you. There are many ways for people to hurt each other.

When these hurts take place, they create a breach in the relationship. Trust may be broken, and the relationship doesn’t feel as safe or enjoyable as it once was. When you’re with the person or think about them, it might stir feelings of anger or resentment. Being with them is no longer pleasurable, and in fact, it could cause stress.

Scripture says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8, NIV), and it also says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32, NIV). These verses indicate that for the believer, their life ought to be marked by a different pattern of existence that’s informed by all that God has done for them in Jesus Christ.

“Covering sins” doesn’t mean ignoring, overlooking, or trying to pretend that sin and wrongdoing don’t exist – that would be immoral. Rather, being able to cover someone’s sins refers to the ability to forgive others for the wrongs they do to us because of the forgiveness received through Christ. Being able to forgive others allows us to smooth over the many irritations and bumps that are part of our everyday relationships with others.

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean ignoring what they’ve done or acting like when they hurt you, they really didn’t. When you forgive someone, you’re releasing yourself from the burden of holding resentment against them, and you’re relinquishing your rights to get even with them. You’re not giving them the green light on certain behaviors, nor are you saying they shouldn’t be accountable for what they’ve done.

A brief guide on how to forgive someone

It’s important to understand what’s going on when you say that you’re forgiving someone. Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person. It can be tempting to hold onto the hurt they caused you and hold it against them; that anger and sense of injury feels like it’s maintaining balance, but it hurts you and the relationship. Unforgiveness can affect your own mental, physical, and emotional health negatively.

So, as you think about forgiving someone, keep in mind that you are doing yourself and your well-being a favor. You can also keep the following in mind:

Forgiveness is a decision

Forgiving someone is about deciding to let go and not hold someone’s wrong against them. Your emotions may lag far, far behind that decision, and that’s okay. Just because you feel all kinds of feelings about that person doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven them.

Forgiveness takes time

Just because you’ve decided and said that you forgive someone, that doesn’t mean you won’t feel salty toward them when you see or interact with them. Forgiveness is an ongoing decision that you commit to daily. Some days will be easier than others, but it is nonetheless a journey that will take time.

Forgiveness doesn’t exclude accountability

When you forgive someone, you’re not saying that their actions don’t have consequences. If a friend betrays your trust, it’s okay to take some time before you feel comfortable with them again. It’s also possible to forgive someone and yet end the relationship.

Forgiveness is hard work – seek help

Staying the course of forgiveness is hard, and it can help to be reminded of the forgiveness you’ve received for the mistakes you’ve made. You can also seek the help of someone like a Christian counselor who can walk with you as you process your hurt and learn to live with a loved one who’s caused you hurt.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to our office at Stone Oak Christian Counseling so we can connect you with a Christian counselor in Stone Oak, Texas and you can get help if you’re struggling with forgiveness.