Stone Oak Christian Counseling

Relationship Advice for Men: How to Take a Breakup Well

Relationship Advice for Men: How to Take a Breakup Well

Relationships don’t always work out the way you would like. Instead of finding the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with, you can end up feeling dejected and heartbroken because expectation and reality collide with horrible results. Heartbreak is common for both men and women, but how we handle those challenges and disappointments will vary from person to person. A breakup can happen for several reasons at any stage of a relationship. Maybe you just weren’t compatible, and your differences generated conflict you just couldn’t overcome. Perhaps there were issues from your pasts that made things complicated and unhealthy, and you both chose to end things. Perhaps someone cheated on the other. The breakup may have come as a surprise that left you utterly heartbroken, or it brought a sense of relief. Whatever your situation may be, breakups require some emotional intelligence to navigate. It’s possible to go through a breakup well. On the contrary, you can make unhealthy choices that can magnify the devastating impact of a broken relationship. Below are some suggestions for how to position yourself to make good choices in the middle of and after a breakup. Remember to whom you belong When you are at rock bottom, feeling disappointed, hurt, and with your expectations shattered, your core convictions and values are displayed. Breakups can be brutal. Even when things end well, it can leave you feeling hesitant to enter another relationship. Anger, hurt, frustration, and despair can all make a person lash out, leading them to say and do things they’ll later regret. Your circumstances shouldn’t alter whether you hold to your values, and being able to hold onto what we know to be true, despite our circumstances, is the substance of courage, conviction, and character. You are a person made in [...]

Is My Best Friend Toxic? A Biblical Approach to Understanding Toxic Behavior

Is My Best Friend Toxic? A Biblical Approach to Understanding Toxic Behavior

There comes a moment in many of our lives when it slowly dawns on us that our best friend might not be such a good person. Sometimes it takes ages to see this, because a best friend is usually the person that we spend the most time with, and the person we trust the most. In some cases, we have grown up with them, and have known them our whole lives, so realizing that they exhibit toxic behavior can be painful. Recognizing toxic behavior is not always an easy thing to do, but it is especially tricky when it is our best friend who is being toxic. We might have a deep sense of loyalty to them, and most of us will give them the benefit of the doubt, hoping that they will change with time. After all love “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:7, NIV) However, sticking beside a toxic person is not healthy for us, and it doesn’t serve them either. Accepting abusive or controlling treatment diminishes our sense of self-worth and enables our friend to continue in their inappropriate and hurtful behavior. The Bible instructs us, “If someone is caught in sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.” (Galatians 6:1, NIV) What does this look like in practice? How do we even recognize if our best friend is toxic in the first place? Should we always stick by this person, or is there a time when we would be better off severing the connection? What is toxic behavior? The word “toxic” has become something of a buzzword recently and most often refers to an environment (like a workplace, for example) or someone’s behavior. Someone acting in a toxic way might be controlling, disrespectful, intimidating, unkind, manipulative, [...]

When Gaslighting Destroys You

When Gaslighting Destroys You

Gaslighting is a term that is becoming more commonly used to define abusive relationships. It happens when you aren’t even aware. It may seem subtle at first but then it implodes into a whirlwind of emotions. Trying to describe how gaslighting happens can be difficult at times because of the persona of the abuser. Understanding the gaslighting signs can help you recognize whether you are in an abusive relationship. What is gaslighting? The term gaslighting is used to describe the behavior of an abuser who wants to make you believe that you are responsible for their actions. While it may look like gaslighting is nothing to be concerned about it is deeply detrimental to the victim’s mental health. It may even appear that there aren’t any relationship problems. The reality of gaslighting is that it can be subtle yet damaging. The term gaslighting comes from a movie from the 1940s in which a husband was trying to make his wife believe she was losing her sanity. By saying things and manipulating her surroundings he was hoping to steal family heirlooms from her. The title was simply “Gaslight” and referred to how he would dim the gas lights in the house and try to convince his wife that she was just imagining that it happened. Behaviors of the Abuser The behaviors associated with someone who uses gaslighting to gain power and control are many. There is not one specific behavior that is a definite sign of gaslighting. A combination of any of the following would be a good indicator of a person who is using gaslighting to manipulate their partner. They try to create a sense of doubt To maintain control of the situation and relationship, the abuser will often deny the behavior ever happened. They will also use this [...]

Gaslighting in a Relationship and How to Combat Negative Perceptions

Gaslighting in a Relationship and How to Combat Negative Perceptions

Are you in a relationship that has you questioning your memory or second-guessing your thought processes and judgment? If your sense of reality doesn’t match what your partner keeps saying, you may be experiencing gaslighting in a relationship. This little space on the internet is for you, my friend. Repeated gaslighting is abusive behavior. It is important that if you can relate to this article, you get help right away. What Gaslighting in a Relationship Feels Like You may find yourself replaying conversations in your head, wondering if you misunderstood or if you’re overacting as your partner asserts. When you mention concerns, they may dismiss them or turn the blame back on you. They may say things like, “You’re too sensitive” or “You always blow things out of proportion.” Over time, these words start to sink in, and you begin to wonder if you’re the problem. Their words and false accusations can become a part of the DNA of your soul. You may feel disoriented, like you’re losing your grip on what’s real, and you start relying on their version of events instead of trusting your own memory. Their opinion is the only one that matters to them and quite frankly, eventually to you. Soon, you are not the person you were before but have morphed, internally. When doubts creep in and you wonder if you can still trust yourself, remember that what you’re feeling is valid. If you’re constantly questioning your reality, it’s a sign that something (or someone) isn’t right. Most likely, that something (or someone) isn’t you. You deserve to trust your own voice, experience, and perception, even if someone else is trying to distort it. How Gaslighting in a Relationship Can Change Your Perception of God An unfortunate result of the distortion that comes from [...]