Examples of Unhealthy Expectations in a Relationship

All this isn’t to say that expectations are altogether bad or unhealthy. However, it does help us to understand that expectations can end up backfiring; at times, our expectations can backfire spectacularly. It helps to understand what kinds of expectations to have in given situations, and how to be flexible in holding them so you do not end up disappointed or angry.

In your relationships, your expectations are what you want and would like to happen in the future in your relationship, whether it’s actions or attitudes and postures you’d want the other person to adopt or carry out. Some of our expectations are reasonable to hold and may be better described as standards that ought to be basic to our relationships. However, it’s also possible to have unrealistic or unhealthy expectations in a relationship, and these can damage a relationship.

Why Expectations in a Relationship Matter

At this point, without even getting to the question of whether the expectation is healthy or not, when something you expect to happen doesn’t happen as you’d hoped, it can result in anger, sadness, frustration, and disappointment. Our expectations build and shape what we anticipate and hope for, and when that doesn’t come to pass, it can elicit a negative reaction from us.

In a relationship with someone, it wouldn’t be healthy, nor would it feel good, to constantly have your expectations going unmet. Over time, it can mean the buildup of resentment and negative feelings toward the other person. That, in turn, will undermine trust and the sense of intimacy that is so important for maintaining healthy bonds. Without those, a relationship can easily fall apart.

One of the key things with one’s expectations, particularly in a relationship, is that those expectations need to be communicated. While there may be some expectations that seem obvious, it’s important to remember that what may be obvious to you, because of your life experiences and the values you hold, may not necessarily be as obvious to another person.

Alternatively, the way an expectation is fulfilled may look a certain way for you, but it may look different for another person. Thus, for example, the word “respect” may be a mutual expectation between two people, but it isn’t always clear what that looks like for each of them until they communicate it. For one person, respecting each other means taking each other’s words and ideas seriously, while for the other person, it might be more about keeping mutual spaces clean.

Expectations in a relationship matter because they set out how we would like to be treated and what we want from the other person. They set out what we want to contribute to the relationship, too. They need to be communicated because it helps to avoid unnecessary conflict, and they help to set the patterns for how to relate to each other.

Unhealthy Or Unreasonable Expectations

Not all expectations are created equal. Some expectations are unreasonable or unrealistic. They place an undue burden on another person that is not sustainable, and that can be detrimental to the relationship itself. Placing unhealthy expectations on yourself can also be unhealthy, as you can potentially wind up in unbalanced relationships that may be one-sided instead of functioning as partnerships.

Some examples of unhealthy expectations in a relationship include the following:

• To not encounter or experience conflict in the relationship Conflict, especially if it is healthy, can lead to a greater understanding of one another and the issues confronting you. Even the best relationships have conflict and expecting that you won’t argue is a recipe for disappointment and potentially ignoring or whitewashing problems, which can be detrimental to a relationship.
• To have every need met by the other person No one person can meet every need of another person. To place such an expectation on them is to place an unbearable burden on them. There is not nearly enough time, not to mention emotional and mental energy, for one person to be able to satisfy another person’s every need.
• No accountability or constructive criticism  None of us get everything right, and one of the things healthy relationships give us is a reality check that builds us up and encourages us. To thrive as people, we need accountability and to receive constructive criticism from others who speak truthfully and lovingly into our lives.
• For the other person to change their values or beliefs We all grow and change over time, hopefully shedding unhealthy habits and viewpoints along the way. It can be unhealthy, however, to expect another person to change their value system or their beliefs, as those are integral to who they are. This expectation can be doubly unhealthy if you desire them to change but are unwilling to change yourself in the same way.
• For the other person to always agree with you  One of the joys of a relationship is that it brings two people with varied experiences into the relationship. That diversity of perspectives and experiences can sharpen us and make us better people. And there is nothing quite like a healthy disagreement to help you understand what you believe and hold dear.
  As such, it’s unhealthy to want the other person to always agree with you, and to expect conformity in your opinions. Stifling disagreement and wanting the other person to always agree with you is ultimately stifling their individuality.
• Expecting the other person to know what you want without communicating it  People are not mind readers. They can’t tell what’s going on in another person’s heart and mind. Unless you communicate what you want and explain why, it’s unreasonable to expect that the other person will meet that expectation.
  As pointed out earlier, even with what may be termed healthy and reasonable expectations such as “respect” or being meaningfully “supported” in the relationship, there needs to be more meat on the bones for the idea to take proper shape. It’s important to understand what being respected and supported looks like for that person, as it may look slightly or even completely different for another person.
• To always be available People are finite, and they cannot be there all the time. Unlike the Lord, who neither slumbers nor sleeps (Psalm 121:4), people need rest, they need other relationships, they need to go to work, play, eat, raise their kids, and so on. This means that the other person isn’t and cannot always be available.
  Instead of relying on them for everything, which is an example of unhealthy codependent behavior, learn to meet your own needs, and not put so much pressure on them.
• For one’s partner to always provide solutions Similar to the above, it can be unhealthy to expect one’s partner to always provide solutions to problems. Certainly, two heads are better than one, but that means contributing to the process and taking part in solving your own problems.
• Having frequent and regular sex  In a romantic relationship such as a marriage, having sex is a sign that the relationship is healthy, and intimacy is intact. For some, physical intimacy such as sex is one of their love languages, and so giving and receiving sexual intimacy helps them to love and to feel loved.
  However, life happens, and between work, kids, friendships, dealing with illness, doing the chores, fluctuations in libido, and fatigue, sex doesn’t always happen. To expect frequent and regular sex without accounting for the daily realities of life is to court disappointment.
• Always spending time together People who are newly in love will often naturally try to spend every minute of their day with each other. This may not be practical, but it doesn’t stop couples from trying. Expecting that you and your beloved will always spend time together, particularly your leisure hours, can be unhealthy.
  One reason this can be unhealthy is that it can stifle your partner’s sense of individuality, and they may want alone time as part of their boundary. Quality time is a healthy thing to want in a relationship, but that can be achieved without depriving one another of spending time with yourselves or with other people. Both are needed for one’s overall well-being.
• That they’ll never change their appearance We are all subject to the ravages of time. Our bodies change, and even our hairstyles change as time and fashion changes. While it may be comforting to want something to remain the same, people aren’t static. We grow older, and as we grow older our metabolism also shifts. Our looks will fade over time, and we gain weight over time too.Expecting someone to not change is futile and self-defeating, and it’s a burden no one can bear up under, even with the aid of plastic surgery and healthy living. Scripture reminds us,

All people are like grass,
 and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;
the grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of the Lord endures forever – 1 Peter 1:24-25, NIV

We are all subject to change, and only the Lord and the words of His mouth do not change.

Moving Beyond Unhealthy Expectations in Relationships

At the root of most unhealthy expectations is a lack of understanding of healthy boundaries and human limitations. Boundaries demarcate where one person ends, and another begins. Having healthy boundaries allows you to recognize our God-given differences that make life interesting. With help from a professional like a counselor, you can grow in your understanding and appreciation of boundaries, and in how to value the people you are in a relationship with for who they are, and not who you want them to be.